2007年10月5日 星期五
A hero in my mind
A person who I admired most is my father. He has big eyes with short hair. He has good talent in repaired many things. He was always can fixed those broken things well. Once, my bicycle was broken , my father fixed it well and quickly and it seems just like a new one. My father is a person with wisdom. When I got stuck with some troubles . I must turn to him for some advice. And the other thing I remembered clearly, I was frustrated because I got a poor grade in an exam. I wasn’t scold for my poor grade. My father comforted and encouraged me to do my best next time. He is good and responsible father. He was working hard to support my family. Maybe he was mean to me sometimes. But I understand all he did just for my own good.My super father, you are my hero forever !
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This essay is a problem. Your verb tenses create a problem for the reader. First you talk about your father in the past tense: "admired". That usually means that the person being talked about is dead. Then you shift to the present tense" "He has big eyes". That usually means that person being talked about is alive. This kind of thing confuses the poor reader. Should we feel sorry for you because your father is dead or because your understanding of English verb tense is so poor?
"A person who I admired most is my father." You can't say "A" and "most" in this kind of sentence. Either your father is the person you admire most or he is a person you admire a great deal, but not most. Make up your mind.
"He has big eyes with short hair." Your father sounds like a most unusual man indeed. Most people's eyes do not have hair at all. How does your father see with eyes that have short hair?
"He has good talent in repaired many things." This is verbose as well as unbearably ungrammatical. "He is good at repairing things."
"Once, my bicycle was broken ,[NOT ONLY IS THIS A COMMA SPLICE, BUT THE PUNCTUATION IS CHINESE, NOT ENGLISH] my father fixed it well and quickly and it seems[IT STILL SEEMS LIKE A NEW ONE?] just like a new one." You don't know anything at all about verb tense, do you.
"My father is a person with wisdom." Verbose. "My father is wise."
"When I got stuck with some troubles . I must turn to him for some advice." Strange English indeed. ==> "When I had troubles, I turned to him for advice." That's normal English.
"And the other thing I remembered clearly, I was frustrated because I got a poor grade in an exam." This is not connected to the beginning of your discussion about your father. It's about you, not about him. You have to say something like this: "He was also kind. Once, when I got a poor grade on an exam, he did not scold me but encouraged me to do better the next time."
"He was working hard to support my family." Does this mean that he no longer works? Does it mean that he's dead? Again, your misuse of verb tenses confuses me.
"My super father, you are my hero forever ![MORE CHINESE PUNCTUATION: THERE IS NO SPACE BEFORE A PUNCTUATION MARK IN ENGLISH]" The real problem with this sentence, though, is that it doesn't belong in the post. You aren't writing to your father. You're writing to your classmates, your writing teacher, and anyone else who reads your blog. All of a sudden, however, you shift your audience from us to your father. That's a no-no. Don't do it in speeches or in essays. If you want to end with this kind of sentence, you have to begin by addressing the post to your father, e.g., "Dad, you are the person I admire most." And then you have to consistently write using "you", not "he", to refer to your father. Please be sure to say what you mean and mean what you say. You do neither here.
Not very well written even though your intended meaning is clear enough to pass the "it will do for international trade" test.
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